What's wrong with professional sports players? Why can't they keep their magic stick in their pants? Apparently Tony Parker was not only sexting a teammates' wife, but he was double dribbling her as well. What a dirty, dirty Frenchman. What's worse, this isn't apparently the first time around that he's stretched the bonds of his vows. The first time around he slam dunked Eva-look-alike Alexandra Paressant. What's the saying: hell hath no fury like a woman scorned...take him for all he's worth, Eva. And, while you're at it, make sure your divorce settlement includes a hefty payoff for you to get the tattoo of his name removed from your body. What a dumb move that was....

Meanwhile, with all this splitting up, there's still some delusional birds who believe in love. Take Prince William and the now Princess-in-Waiting, Kate Middleton. The big to-do wedding will be filling the airwaves and nauseating us sometime next spring or summer. What's presently perplexing, however, is why in the world the ever so dapper Willy would give Kate his dead mother's engagement ring...the same ring that not only brought forth Diana's bitter divorce but probably in some way precipitated her untimely death. I would, at least, have the ring blessed to ward off any lingering evil spirits and spells put on it by the Queen. But seriously, and more importantly, he's a Prince--can't he afford to get her a sizeable rock on his own? The Queen herself is reportedly worth $450 million big ones--couldn't she just help her grandson out with a measly diamond or two or ten? Enough of this recycled jewelry business.

Which brings my rant to another topic--Jessica Simpson and her defensive engagement. What do I mean by defensive? Well, let's examine the facts here. A week prior to her announcement of engagement to some unemployed former baller who's main goal in life is to follow Jessica around, Jessica's ex-husband and permanent thorn in her side, Nick Lachey, popped the big question to his long-term girlfriend Vanessa. Nick bought Vanessa a beautiful square cut diamond ring, a sizeable little one valued at around $100k. Upon hearing this great news and not to be undone, Simpson buys herself a $125k diamond and ruby engagement ring and announces her own engagement to the aforementioned cretan. Voila, we have two dueling engagements by two former spouses--all in the public eye. The only thing that's left is the race to get knocked up first--but by the looks of Jessica, she may already be half-way there! That could also mean why she's planning that Christmas wedding!

Finally, in my profession, I see a lot of things pled in court that are either patently false or plainly ridiculous. In all honesty though, this one takes the cake. Apparently, in response to the $25 million lawsuit filed earlier this year against Mike Tyson for assault, Tyson defends himself by claiming---wait for it----wait for it----SELF DEFENSE. Come again? Mike Freakin' Tyson needs to defend himself against someone? He could just bite their ear off?!  Tyson specifically said that he acted in a way that was "necessary for his self-defense" and the "protection of others." Yep, the equivalent of that would be firing a nuclear missile at a mouse.